Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don-t.
I don-t eat much and it shows, I haven-t ran in 2 weeks and I started to smoke more and more. I joke around a lot and hug my mother and be obnoxious when she-s around because she must have that and depends on me to look careless and as annoying to her as I always was, I consider my playacting a duty towards her.
I drink about 4 coffees or so per day, more if I am out and about, 8 times out of 10 I drink them without any sugar.
It takes about 2 hours for me to finish my nails, putting them on, coating them with nail polish, arranging the colored beads in patterns or drawing on them, then coating them in polish again. It took me about 2 hours to re-arrange the folders in my computer again, I even ordered alphabetically my 400 icons. Doing things with patience for hours has always been a trait of mine I am known for, I just blank out and focus on doing said thing, it helps me think better. If I ever take 5 for thinking only, my head is blank; I can only analyze and let my mind wander when I am focused on something.

I have become more accustomed than ever to watching the passage of time. The landscapes from the train, the clock ticking away, the movements of the clouds, the way night changes into morning, just how I used to.
I don-t sleep much I think, just to wake up after sleeping for the whole day.
I don-t know what-s wrong with me in the past 2 weeks, I-m in a very dark place but not the bad kind of dark place, more like a place shadowing me from the heat of the sun I believe. I go about my own ways and I had a good time watching the rugby match on TV last Saturday, between the All Blacks and the italians and it reminded me once again how much I love that sport and how much I like watching the All Blacks play. I-m as chatty as ever and nothing has changed, I just feel slightly different on the inside and I don-t exactly know in what way.
I don-t wash and I don-t cook because I don-t really eat much, I just steal cigarettes from everyone and drown down my hunger with a coffee, vitamins and some fruit. If I see chocolate I tend to ignore it these days.
Total isolation is not good for me, I at least need to go online every now and then to chat up with some people, otherwise I have the tendency to turn very, very cold and extremely detached.

I am slowly making plans towards my later future and from January I-ll start to become increasingly busy and I have to use that little knowledge of Japanese I got to work my way through very easy conversation best as I can, I can-t allow myself to turn lazy.
But then again isn-t this what I-m doing? I could almost say I lost all sense of purpose but thank heavens I had no purpose to begin with so at least that burden or regret is not something I-ll have to live with.

I-m trying to understand this and that and I have made a rule for myself to understand things long before I reach the age and did so, but this... this has always left me dumbfounded. I can truly be whoever you want me to be, I have so many faces you wouldn-t believe and I was surprised when I found out how easy I can turn myself around to adapt to different situations, that I can truly be cruel and that I am capable of kindness, but I still can-t find the link. Slowly, it-s as if I am creeping up to the same feeling when I was 17 and I was writing Cigarette.

I see those days so clearly even now because I had made such an effort to burn their image in my mind. Those warm late summer afternoons when the light was creeping through the leaves of the trees next to the balcony, how I loved to sit sprawled on the couch and watch those shimmers of light while the smell of Black Stone cigarettes floated through the room.
The ashtray was full, Nightmares on Wax was playing over and over again, I was working by night and spent my days in between the supermarket downtown, the only place I could find fresh baked coffee beans, and the shops open at 2 a.m where I could buy some cigarettes from. How I embraced the solitude of those days, living in an apartment where nothing worked, everything was broken, from the furniture to the stove and dust was caked on the windowsill. I took a bath at midnight, the cigarette on the sink, burning itself, then took long walks because there was nothing I loved more from that city than walking at night like that. Home, the city streets deemed most dangerous of the country where I always felt the safest.

I burned the image of Daniel in my mind, as if he truly sat on the sofa across the room, as I was writing him up in Cigarette.
This was a while after A., but A. has scarred me in the most gentle way possible and even though I decided never to speak of him again, I always think about him every now and then, it-s undeniable and it haunts me. A few days ago I was walking down the street in the evening and a man passed by me, the smell of his cologne stinging my nostrils and it sent a chill down my spine, because he smelled just like him. I watched him walk past me and turn right, losing himself on the small street between cafes and neon lights, a man with white hair and a briefcase, dressed in some tweed jacket all browns and greens, who was not the man I was thinking of at all. I continued walking.
I burned the image of those summer days spent in that dark apartment, probably the most silent days of my life because no one called, no one visited, no one cared. I find quiet comfort in them at times because truth be told...I don-t remember anything much of what happened that summer, my mind wiped away, or ignored, everything else.



I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I don-t need anyone-s preaching right now.
I know this house ain-t no home.
I know I-m always gone too long.
I know I fail.
I know I should care that my skirt is too short.
I know I seem feather-brained.
I know I should stop.
I know I should have more faith.
I know I [...]
I know, I know, I know, I know and as much as I know it all, in the same measure I will ignore it all because my heart-s not in it and I tend to turn everything in a mess if my heart-s not in it.

I put my arms to the sides of the couch and blow the cigarette smoke to the ceiling, nails shimmering in the dim light of the light bulb, scantly dressed or maybe in my jeans, barefoot in an open shirt, my head moving to the side and leaning on my arm and feeling my life prance around me in the same jazzy bebop-ish rhythm I induced.

I think this is my in-betweener, it-s the only way I can explain it, it-s always so much more clear after I put it down in words. It-s not like those dark wicked places I cannot take any friends into, yet not far because it-s not light either and it-s not one of those merry, colorful places I choose to be wild and happy and free in yet it-s not monochrome either.
It-s almost like being stuck between Jazzamor-s Ain-t No Sunshine and Booby Tamari-s Tokyo Silence.


I know I ---- Ah, never mind.

I know, I know.


B.

Ten Things That Will Always Make Me Laugh Or Feel Good When I-m Sad

1. Wild Bunny (especially Jaebum overdoing it in the car in ep. ..6? Hottest know what I am talking about)
2. Epik High-s Wannabe video.
3. Hearing Junho laugh (never fails).
4. Dirty Eyed Girls (whose projects I will always support with all my heart, really)
5. CJ getting overexcited about things.
6. Beast-s Bad Girl. Anytime I-ll have enough of dancing on that song will still be too soon. Don-t ask me why because it-s a BIG mystery even for me, it just instantly makes me feel better!
7. Looking at my phone charms because they are all reminders of nice things.
8. Jokwon being the lovely diva that he is.
9. GD smiling (never fails either)
10. 2PM-s Angel. I happened to listen to that song one morning when the sun was shining in my eyes and I was looking forward to the good things in life, and in the same time no one fits better than Jaebum to say lyrics like: you don-t know, fool, it fits him perfectly XD, so whenever I hear that song, I remember that good feeling and it makes me smile instantly.



B.

I consider myself pretty luck to have a mother like mine. Sure...she tends to get crazy and make me feel miserable at times and at times I don-t like her one bit and I believe she doesn-t like me much either but I don-t know how I would have turned out to live if I wouldn-t of had her.
I don-t love her one bit, but when asked the question, I said I respect her more than I love her. She could of done better, way better, but on the flip side I think I understand her because I have her blood and I am just as untamed as she is and she allowed me freedom to do as I please even if she maybe shouldn-t have done it because now she has more than she can handle on her hands. But truth be told, because of her looseness, intentional or not, caring or uncaring, when bringing me up, it allowed me to define a personality of my own, a way of my own.
Hair dye? Got it. Tattoos at 14? Got them. Odd hairstyles? Fine. Epically short skirts and deep cleveage? Whatever. Actually she was the one who made me do it XD. Boxing? Street fighting? She handed me the money and paid for the classes. Should I take the flaming red frames for my glasses? Absolutely. Supporter of gay rights? She doesn-t mind it. And so on.

She shouldn-t have done a lot, a lot of things, to me, to us all, but as I grew older I learned to forgive her and in the end look at the silver lining of it all, and that is that it made me stronger, just like watching my father who showed me how not to be, how to be on some matters (because he did give good advice at times) and how much importance I have to give to money and material possessions and where exactly I should stop with giving it said importance.
Both these people messed me up pretty bad as I grew up and I don-t know who or what exactly triggered the right thing in me, so to speak, that made me turn 180 and work myself out of the mess, both mentally and physically but rather than looking back in anger, I choose to look back trying to learn from it.
Don-t get me wrong, it-s not one of those moments when birds are chirping, the sun is shining and I hear Hallelujah singing from the heavens, I learn as I go and as I grow older and according to some it might not be the right things but I haven-t been brought up in the right way either. Some call me wity-tongued, some sly, others see me as someone who takes advantage of situations. Others just think I-m trouble. I don-t deny any.

I wanted, as a kid, to be like this or like that, but as I grew up I realized my life does not and will not work that way and if I want to live and not be miserable about it, I-d better learn to adapt and blend, not attach myself to things, be just like quicksilver.
Good and bad, some horrible, others downright disturbing, experiences I had, my own and handed down from these two people called mother and father, I had them and I can-t change them or deny them but I will remember them and use them to my own advantage when time comes.


B.

I got the deadliest glares today, dear lord, they amused me like hell.
Thing is, I have the most obvious hair in this city, one inch nails to state the least, which I decorated myself (Japanese nail art anyone? Yep, that-s me!) and today I was wearing this epic large gray sweater that-s one size too big which I wear like a skirt, with stockings and boots. Yes, you can see the end of my stockings if my sweater goes a bit higher which happens a lot because the sweater barely covers my ass.
Watch me care.
They all think I-m a whore just because I am Romanian anyway (aka an immigrant), so why bother trying to prove them wrong when they-re happier doing the hating? Besides, if I didn-t hand over any gossip material, this city would get bored you see. If they-re happy staring up my ass to see how short said sweater goes, by all means, go for it. I-m wearing stockings anyway and the fact half of the women on the street threw knives at me with their eyes amuses me very much, especially because I had jrock blasting in my headphones and it all looked slightly like a Dir en grey video.
I obviously put on what my mother likes to call the arrogant bitch glare and looked back, smiling.

I remembered Kaoru once saying something about how everyone in this band thinks they-re losers. I think we can use that and change it into something positive.

I tried to learn from that.

I-m happy with myself, if you-re not, that-s your own god damn problem.

On another side, I might finally be able to go ahead with a tattoo I wanted since a few years ago, I am going today to ask a question about the price and hopefully I-ll be able to get it soon, if not, in December definitely.
It will be on my back, saying cut down your discomfort wings.
I wanted to ask you americans out there if it sounds strange in english but I realized that even if it does, it-s a meaning that means meaningful shit for me and I-m not doing it for the world but for myself so even if it might be an assassination of english literacy, do tell me even if I don-t think I-ll change it.

The past week and this one too, I feel it, were made of so much fail...I started smoking again and I did no running. I slept. Drank a lot of coffee, had a lot of walks and barely ate. I don-t know what-s gotten into me. I still must be angry at myself and depressed for missing the Deg concert in Italy, heh...
It has been decided that if nothing happens by January, I-ll go do all the oh so wrong things again, gather up some cash and leave with work in Tokyo, probably sometime next autumn or next winter, not sure.
You know the drill: I got nothing more to lose and everything to gain.

Obviously, this entry had a purpose and a topic but I lost it on the way since I am multitasking then spacing out to stare out the window (I-m at the library since I got no internet again) and I-m all out of coffee. I actually drank it like water while doing said spacing out.

So I-ll be out now. I promised to celebrate my 9th anniversary of being a Dir en grey fan with a small chocolate cake a la french patisserie.




B.



turn me into a memory and go to the new ocean
from my heart I wish you happiness
there is happiness beyond the tears [...] - Dir en grey - Undecided

In a few months time, give or take, it will be about ten years since I first listened to Cage and up until this day, after a million times on repeat, my heart still trembles when I hear it.

I want to talk about them as a whole, Dir en Grey, because being five they are one but everyone knows the amount of respect I carry for Kyo, I don-t ever remember anyone having the guts to disrespect him as an artist whenever I was around, it was so obvious my admiration went and still goes, deeper than just the average fan.

Back then I remember being dumbfound, as I later on managed to find the translations to the lyrics, of how much I didn-t even need a translation because the message came across anyway. Then reading, listening to the songs from a new perspective, still the same but more clear, I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart, over and over and over again. Maybe it was just because my situation back when I discovered Deg could mirror itself so clearly in Kyo-s lyrics and in the abandon and despair with which he sang them.

I watched the live performance of Mushi in silence and I could barely sleep that night.
It-s true, that I have never seen anyone to put so much of himself out there, on stage, for everyone to take like they do, like Kyo does, completely abandoning himself and getting into that dark place inside him, pouring all of himself out like that. I won-t lie when I say that before watching a live performance I have to prepare myself because I know what it arouses in me and how it makes me feel, how much it touches me and in what way in those places I keep well hidden and untainted in their filth. Filthy places which, in their own way are innocent and fragile in their demented insanity.

I didn-t know the lyrics to Kodou when Withering to Death was finally released....and why need them... by the middle of the song I was on my knees on the floor in the middle of the room, my arms around myself crying in gasps and unable to find the pace of my breathing.

It wasn-t just once in all these years when I wondered: how can you put in words so well exactly how I feel? Exactly what I was thinking?


I became attached to this small Aquarius man whom I-ll never meet and who will undoubtedly know nothing of my existence in this lifetime or beyond as there are some people out there who touch you so deep you can run all you want but you won-t forget how it felt because it was just so intense, almost intimate.

Too much to say, too many words and feelings running around and about, I still can-t find my way around explaining everything in my heart and mind without writing a novel.

Love him? No, that-s the wrong word to use as far as I-m concerned. Respect them?
Him?
Immensely.




The sadness on my face will probably be gone tomorrow
When did my eyes become dead?

What is waiting for me tomorrow as I sing and live without meaning?
Alone in my room as my heartbeat screams
Don't kid yourself and don't fool yourself

The unstoppable rain The unstoppable sound The unstoppable scar
The unstoppable love The unstoppable song...
I can't stop it anymore
I can't handle it anymore

Kill the voice
Close your eyes
Drown in the darkness
Roam around
I won't depend on anyone anymore
Kill the voice
Close your eyes
Drown in the darkness
Roam around
I keep inside me your keen voice...
All in darkness

Its such an irony, this sunny bright weather
-Good Morning- - Dir en Grey - Kodou















B.

Not cryptic. Just an excerpt from something I wrote a while ago.
Just because it fits the 3:46 a.m and the rain outside.


To be uncovered like this, gently, passionately, like the storms clouding over cities and countries, mountains and seas, like he made made the other uncover.
To be covered like this, with a violent, burning desire, like evening rain over cobblestone streets, like he covered him.
They were here now.
Them, moving in time and nothing else, the sounds of the rain covering up and making up for the sighs and the shadows.


B.

Changelings,

Your support ever since I told you guys about me participating in NaNoWriMo is the win even if I sometimes fail.
So here it is, my author profile on NaNoWriMo, word count and random crack included: clickety click
And also the blog I made separately for the story itself. Please keep in mind NNWM is about not editing and not musing over the story and the words too much, it-s just writing on a whim, so don-t expect a great work of literature, I seriously try to write in mind with the big picture but be spontaneous about everything else. So, to anyone who is interested: clickety click click [ the password is shimmer]


Thank you!


B.

B., please remember this: 2) Do not edit as you go. Editing is for December. Think of November as an experiment in pure output. Even if it's hard at first, leave ugly prose and poorly written passages on the page to be cleaned up later. Your inner editor will be very grumpy about this, but your inner editor is a nitpicky jerk who foolishly believes that it is possible to write a brilliant first draft if you write it slowly enough. It isn't. Every book you've ever loved started out as a beautifully flawed first draft. In November, embrace imperfection and see where it takes you.







Oh, I got this.
I think I got it, seriously.

The story for NaNoWriMo just suffered a 200 degree turn.
I think I got it.






B.

Hyde and L-arc en Ciel were my first love affair with Japanese pop-rock music. You don-t forget small things like that.
I have problems remembering my first kiss and my first time because I didn-t care and because it was ugly, but I-ll always remember listening to Niji, then, later on, falling asleep listening to Unexpected, dreaming of winter on White Song, all his solo songs fascinated me for some reason.

Hyde-s voice makes me think of endless highways and green fields over clear, deep, deep blue skies. Of calm winter landscapes.

Reminds me of moments in my life I engraved, burned, in my memory, the sun piercing through my eyes some summer afternoon when the world seemed to have died and I was walking down the street wondering if I-ll ever see the cherry blossoms in Kyoto. Smoking late at night, watching the city lights die out, one by one, hoping for change.
Waiting for the snow.




Dim lit streets come and go. People go. Seasons pass. I grow older and wrinkles set in the corner of my eyes, I smoke a million cigarettes and drink countless cups of coffee. Lovers will never stay. Trends will change, people in my life will go, others will die. Walking streets I-ll never step on again, meeting people I will never see again.
In the middle of it all, I still have this. The long wait lived through the calmness offered by someone else-s voice, lyric by lyric, possessed,
embraced,


let go.



Then it happens.

Unexpected, unexpected....


You know....thanks for the memories you-ll never know about.




I've only memories of happiness
Such pleasure we have shared
I'd do it all again

This scenery is evergreen
As buds turn into leaves
The colors live and breathe
This scenery is evergreen
Your tears are falling silently

So full of joy you are a child of spring
With a beauty that is pure
An innocence endures.. - Hyde - Evergreen



B.

First thing-s first: You are all such darlings!!! Thank you for the good luck wishes for NaNoWriMo!!! Your support means the world for a bookworm/writing nut like me!


Question: since NaNoWriMo doesn-t put the novels on site, they just do the word count, I was wondering: should I make a journal where I write and where you guys can read the story also? Would anyone have enough patience or be interested in reading?



Now, on with this...November sure will keep me busy!
So far it goes like this:

1. Editing the translations from Kai. He-s a guy from Germany I work with. He translates Japanese hip hop/rap pieces and I edit them since I have epic English skillz. Though even with those, it-s still very confusing at times, since I don-t speak Japanese myself.
Usually he sends me 3-4 lyrics per week and I finish and send them over Sundays, though I try to do it more often than once a week because he works with other editors and thing is I don-t like anyone else to be better than I am at something I like doing.
Harsh, stubborn and superficial probably, I know, but it-s the honest truth.

2. Possibly editing a 2 hour interview he will translate. He said he can divide the interview between all of us if we want to but I wrote him an email back saying I can handle it by myself. Because I wanna be the best editor he-ll ever have.

3. Finishing 50,000 words worth of novel for NaNoWriMo

4. Start working on my laptop. I have a project since the top of the laptop is scratched and all, and besides I want to give it some personality. Hence, I will be decorating it with a pattern made of small beads. Give me beads and glue, I-ll handle the rest XD

5. Do my work as a reliable RP partner, of course.

6. Possible departures for Florence to do the devil-s work what I gotta do as paid by my mother-s boyfriend.

7. No, I think that-s it for the moment, I think.

I love being busy, even if it-s small things.


B.

Author:B.
Name: B.
Nationality: I don't stay for long enough anywhere to belong somewhere.
Interests: coffee, cigarettes, writing, reading, graphic art, living/being alive, traveling, how things work/function, history, music.
I Love: coffee, cigarettes, tea, big cities, the sea, the ocean, seashells, cherry tomatoes, rain, rain clouds, rice, sand, kashmere, a big city's noise at night, city lights by night, learning, listening, being alone, dead leaves, silence, 5 a.m's, music.
I Hate: lies and liars, prejudice.
I believe in: not much.
This journal:is the place I write just like I dance - like no one is watching. This is why everything I write is like a monologue to me. I don't care who is reading, my thoughts flow like this and this is how they will be written down.
These are my thoughts, my opinions, not my friends', not my country's, not your mother's and not your dog's.

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