Two days ago, it was raining in the morning, but that-s never been a problem. I was only aware that my arms were getting cold due to the drops when I had to stop for more than 4 minutes in the middle of my run. My legs hurt and I had trouble catching my breath, I could only walk back home, so I started to, I was in the residential area, where the richer people live. I like running on those streets because they are nicely lit, not with those blinding white lights but the orange kind, it gives the whole place and eerie feel, especially when it-s raining.
I couldn-t care much about the eerie feel that morning though, with each step I took I felt more and more frustrated because I knew I would not continue my run that morning. I just grew angrier and angrier at myself and I wanted to give up, crouch down and hide my face in my hands and just stay like that for a while but I couldn-t get myself to do it, I just continued walking hoping it would pass, but it didn-t, that angry feeling just kept on becoming more and more intense and I felt like crying.
I wanted to cry for everything, for not having enough money, for working so hard and not getting anything when everyone else seems to be getting things so easily, for Jaebum, for that jacket I can-t afford, for the dirt and the filth and most of all because
don-t take this from me, I found myself screaming in my head in that moment,
don-t take this from me, you have no right! Don-t take my heart, don-t take my lungs and don-t take my legs, don-t take this from me too!
When you are given something in life, something else is taken away from you, and I wonder when exactly I took something so great that life just feels like it should take, take, take from me and never give again.
I was so angry.
But we walk, I tried to make myself understand while going back home that morning, when we can-t run, we walk and as long as we don-t stop, nothing can hold us back and I can run again soon.
This morning marked the start of me being on a diet, something that I totally loathe, but I have to do because even if I am strong for a girl, I can only be this strong and I got problems sustaining my weight and sustaining my weight suddenly became very important as of recently. I won-t be able to do shit unless I lose some and I seriously don-t feel like dieting but we do what we must to follow what we believe in.
When I say I try to live life as I see more fit and how I like it, I think some people think it-s nothing but good times and slacking off but I-m pretty far from that. I believe I enjoy torturing myself actually.
I was walking under some trees this morning, and looked up for no reason. Normally I-m too deep in thought to pay attention to the trees I pass under almost every morning at 4, but this time I looked up at the branches and leaves covering up the sky and I felt as if something good was beginning, I don-t know what or why, but I just felt like that. It wasn-t an overwhelming feeling that catches your heart and makes it flutter, it just felt like something had moved in a well defined direction yet still rough around the edges. It made me feel stronger.
I started to write rhymes again and I started to hear a rhythm in everything I-m doing again, I move easier, still stumbling but I-m almost flowing.
I followed up my run to the football field and by the time the practice was through, all that was left in the wet sand were my footsteps. The rest of the football sandy field was tattooed by the rain earlier that night, all imperfections covered, just the place I had been was all messed up so when I looked ahead of me at the clean cut sand that stretched towards the opposite gate, it almost made me feel like I was fighting against something far bigger than me.
What now? I don-t know. I don-t know how this is going to end, but tomorrow morning I-ll do it all over again and again and again. I don-t know of anything else, I-m not like the other people who have things coming at them so easily and whatever I want, I have to try more to get it, if I get it, but most times I don-t, so work hard, then work harder is the only thing I learned to do.
Laugh if you want, but I have my dreams and ambitions that have nothing to do with exposure or public acknowledgment, prizes or diplomas. I do what I do and try so hard because when I do it, I feel strong and free.
B.
