I had more.
But I ate them.
So now this is all that is left.
=/
From tomorrow I have to go on a diet of some sorts >< I hate diets. I like cooking and I have a sweet tooth like nothing you-ve seen before (I kid you not).
I started to develop some muscle here and there so I need to start cutting down on some of the junk I eat if I want to get to any at least decent performance by January.
I am talking less than less with my friend from home, but I decided to let it die. If she ever needs me, truly needs me, I will come running unless I am at the ends of the earth but even if I was, I-d probably still go. But I-m allowing our friendship to die little by little.
She wrote me an email a while ago telling me she only sees now the meaning of my words in the emails I wrote her and it made me incredibly sad. All throughout these years, every time I tried to let her in on how I felt, she always ignored it because she found it strange, somehow it didn-t speak to her and she felt awkward. So one day I stopped trying, let one thing after another go, and things just dissolved.
She is a wonderful person, she doesn-t know it for some reason, but I do, and I only wish we would have been more alike, maybe things would have turned up differently, but it seems we have nothing left to talk about. And I don-t mean it conversation-wise...things just dispersed. And I can-t be the person she grew up with anymore.
I am turning into who I always wanted to be and not only her, but a lot of people I used to know are apparently not cool with that. I don-t mind because there-s only one type of people I need around me, those who get me, and that-s it.
As far as my friend goes....I don-t want to lose her, but for the sake of it all, rather than ending up arguing all the time, I-d rather have a sweet memory to last. She always said I will be the one to leave first and if she wants to blame it all on me...surprisingly, I-m fine with that.
Friends are important for me and even if it means hurting them, I-ll do what I feel is better, even if they don-t agree, kick and scream. And she has been the best friend anyone could ever have, I envy everyone who is on the same wave length as she is, and who has similar aspirations and dreams like her, not someone like me because we are as different as day and night.
She-s thin and elf-like, with dark eyes and fair skin and I-m all curves and have a scarred, tattooed and dry skin. She-s smart and witty and I-m normally perceived as a bit of an idiot. She becomes friends with everyone, I-m really good at chasing them away. She-s fiery and passionate, I-m aloof and distant.
I-m fine being the one who leaves, as long as I don-t hurt her too much in the process, so it-s easier to have her angry at me.
I don-t trust people, it-s hard for me to call someone a friend; sure, I know people, but don-t really have friends in the true sense of the word. Call me a kid who read too many 19th century novels if you want, but I believe in loyalty and I-d kill for someone I call a true friend. It-s one of my favorite things to dream about: someone who has your back, holds you down, knows how to correct you when you-re wrong, knows you for real and likes you the way you are and viceversa. I don-t care about everlasting love. Friendship, loyalty and respect is what I yearn for.
This is easy to guess coming from someone who pledged a piece of her heart to I-ll I suppose XD
Just that too many people fucked me over and it doesn-t work with my general distrust either.
Strong hands who grasp each other when one falls or times get rough, and pull one another up. Not hand in hand, that strong grasp when someone grabs the part above your wrist, not your palm, to pull you up, strong and secure.
That-s what I always wanted to be for the friends I cared for, that kind of person with strong arms who pulls them up and has no fear in doing so because she knows that, even if that friend can-t pull her up when she falls, said friend will at least stand by her and cheer her on, truly and honestly.
One of the things I might be looking for, who knows, another piece of the puzzle I-m trying to arrange: this person, he or she, somewhere out there in the world who would be like that.
Well, until then.
B.
