I wrote and re-wrote this entry three times, then realized it-s not working.
So I-ll just leave it like this because what I do need right now is a cigarette and a black coffee. Some air. Because I am so above allowing that to make me feel like this.
Some air. Some black coffee.
In order to focus again.


B.

I ran up the hill this morning while thinking about something else, I didn't even notice I ran pretty fast until I got there, my mind was somewhere else. I suppose I need a harder hill to run up on, now, heh.
It was still pretty early for sunrise, around 4:20-something I believe (because I started to wake up at 3:30 as of last week) but I still went up on the stronghold wall, though I don't know why, I think I just felt like walking around and chilling down for a bit.
But I didn't expect that.

I got up there and jumped up on the stone wall, looked up and the sky it took my breath away. The whole city was covered in darkness, spots of yellow neon lights here and there but above, the sky was filled with stars. I never saw the stars like that from up there, it was not just those two stars I normally see at sunrise, this time the whole night sky was filled with sparks of all sizes, glittering above me.
And all of it was so calm all around me while on the inside I felt like burning and as if I was expanding all across that landscape. I just stood there looking up to the sky, my hands limp to my sides, breathing in everything about that moment.
It was so beautiful I cried.

I spent the rest of the time left with the pale neon light as my companion, right there on the small platform of the wall, shadowboxing under that night sky.

B.

It's 3:02 in the morning right now. I can't sleep, of course.
I went to the bathroom earlier and while I was opening the window to get rid of the stuffy hot air that heated up the room during the day , I suddenly heard someone singing.
I first thought my ears are decieving me and maybe it's someone's TV or it's a party of some sorts somewhere. Then I listened closer and it was true: it was an oriental prayer. Song. Lullaby. Maybe muslim.
It was so beautiful. I am not sure if it was a recording, though it sounded pretty real to me and I don't know where it came from, all lights in all houses on the street were shut. I just sat there listening, I closed my eyes and allowed that voice of that man or woman, I could not tell, to wrap itself around me just like it seemed to wrap itself around the night.

I didn't understand the words but the song was so sad, almost like a lament, and it sent chills down my spine.
I felt just like a character in my surrealist stories, when a normal moment in one's life turns into something extraordinary, almost fairytale-like, yet it feels like nothing is wrong.
I haven't heard such a song anywhere, so close, it could have sounded like a Pakistani or Afghan lullaby.

It's 3 in the morning. Who could be praying, or singing a lament at such an hour?
Who was it ? And why ?
I want to listen to it again...



EDIT

Mystery was solved. I found out while running in the area what was going on. There was no magic involved of course, but that matters very little. Believe it or not, th6at clear voice was coming from a stereo in a car someone must have forgotten on, someh6ow. It was a prayer, I am sure now.
Once I found out its source, I just sat down the stairs of a closed up shop, closed my eyes and listened some more. It was still beautiful, it didn't cut through that early morning, it just seemed to be a part of it, like wrapping itself around the streets, concrete and neon lights.





B.

I'm not tall so whenever I go to the supermarket to buy groceries and I can't reach a shelf, I normally jump on the edge and, in disregard to public conduct and the fact I'm not 12 anymore, I balance myself and grab wh6at I need.
Problem is, some shelves cannot be jumped and climbed on because it would mean total destruction. So here I was yesterday, measuring 1.66m in my sneakers, flary jeans and beanie, jumping up and down like a monkey trying to reach my chicken noodles which were nicely placed on the upper shelf. Obvious fail.

"*Amused* You need any help ?"
"Uh...hehe....yeah, if you could...*dorky smile*"
"There ya go. Only one?"
"Yup, just one *dorky smile*. Thank you!"
"No problem *smile*"

I've erased from my memory more than half of the people who did influence my life somehow in Italy, but, like with so many people I met for no more than 20 seconds in my life, even after years, I will remember this person, some random man in his early 30's, in a red t-shirt and jeans. He did nothing special, but a small gesture.
I love moments and small gestures. The very random acts of kindness.
It made me smile for the rest of the evening.



B.

I don't know where the heck my mother is and now I am wondering why she pays rent anymore, considering she's always sleeping around in other places. I gave up calling, pulled my flary jeans on and my new, very-pretty-worth-saving-money for - black knit dress, my old Vans I bought in London (cause there was a sale XD) and straddled along to go buy some groceries.

I thought about a lot of things on my way there. It was still hot, but there was a bit of wind blowing and the clouds across the sky were beautiful to look at. I cracked some dance moves on the empty streets, I admit, because I couldn't help myself, the music was too good (you know I had my headphones on, right ? That I had my mp3 player in my jeans purse should come without saying)
I was thinking that I'm pretty small, I measure up just 1.66m, that I have nothing special aside from big boobs and that I have some circles under my eyes due to lack of sleep.
While walking down the street and throwing the occasional glance at the clouds, I felt as light as air at one point, maybe a bit lightheaded, but it felt good on the inside. The world around me, that moment, it felt just right.
I was thinking that growing up in a poor country is the best that should have happened because being poor and rather choiceless doesn't phase me, I just move along, I slither my way through it and come out standing either way.
I was thinking that my most prized posessions are my elephant earrings my friend bought me ("For good luck when you leave"), my laptop and my running shoes and it made me laugh a bit.
I do that, when stuff get worse, I put the running shoes on and I run along with it, trying to keep a clear mind because I hate resignation.

I was thinking there are so many of us out there, others who have it worse than me, others who have it better but I'm selfish like that and I think and try to hold my own only, because I'm the hero of my own story.
Where do we go now ?
I have no clue. All I wanted when I was walking down the street was a quiet place to return to and a beautiful, kind and gentle girl to wait me back home and greet me with a smile. I wanted for the night to fall and for me to have a walk on some fancy lit street in Seoul, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Tokyo or Bangkok. I want that present from life at one point - a nice walk in the evening through the streets of those cities.

I was thinking about the struggles, the rent money and all the hardships that were and will come. But it was a good feeling, because the clouds were beautiful and the moment felt right.
I was thinking I can, yet cannot be judged according to the person I used to be.
I was thinking about how much I obsessively take care of my running shoes because I can't afford others for a while, if these break apart. But it made me smile because you know, I appreciate things differently, I don't take stuff for granted and don't act like a spoiled kid and throw them away if I get bored.
I think I smiled because I can appreciate beautiful, unique moments in life and catch them when they come, unlike most people who let them pass by and don't even notice them. I think it felt right in that moment because despite everything, I almost broke apart so many times, yet I never did break for good, that I'm one of those annoying people who try to slither and wriggle their way out of anything, hell or high waters.

I had Tiger JK in my headphones singing "Don't cry, dry your eyes" and I did a little spin on the empty street, accompanied by a snap of my fingers and let out a bit of a smile.
I won't, JK, we're cool, we're still standing, aren't we ?
I'm not very pretty and I lack trust in people, kindness and other things, I'm also pretty small and I have tiny hands, but I'm strong.
And the clouds were pretty today. So, for a moment, I was happy.







B.

Author:B.
Name: B.
Nationality: I don't stay for long enough anywhere to belong somewhere.
Interests: coffee, cigarettes, writing, reading, graphic art, living/being alive, traveling, how things work/function, history, music.
I Love: coffee, cigarettes, tea, big cities, the sea, the ocean, seashells, cherry tomatoes, rain, rain clouds, rice, sand, kashmere, a big city's noise at night, city lights by night, learning, listening, being alone, dead leaves, silence, 5 a.m's, music.
I Hate: lies and liars, prejudice.
I believe in: not much.
This journal:is the place I write just like I dance - like no one is watching. This is why everything I write is like a monologue to me. I don't care who is reading, my thoughts flow like this and this is how they will be written down.
These are my thoughts, my opinions, not my friends', not my country's, not your mother's and not your dog's.

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