In a few months time, give or take, it will be about ten years since I first listened to Cage and up until this day, after a million times on repeat, my heart still trembles when I hear it.

I want to talk about them as a whole, Dir en Grey, because being five they are one but everyone knows the amount of respect I carry for Kyo, I don-t ever remember anyone having the guts to disrespect him as an artist whenever I was around, it was so obvious my admiration went and still goes, deeper than just the average fan.

Back then I remember being dumbfound, as I later on managed to find the translations to the lyrics, of how much I didn-t even need a translation because the message came across anyway. Then reading, listening to the songs from a new perspective, still the same but more clear, I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart, over and over and over again. Maybe it was just because my situation back when I discovered Deg could mirror itself so clearly in Kyo-s lyrics and in the abandon and despair with which he sang them.

I watched the live performance of Mushi in silence and I could barely sleep that night.
It-s true, that I have never seen anyone to put so much of himself out there, on stage, for everyone to take like they do, like Kyo does, completely abandoning himself and getting into that dark place inside him, pouring all of himself out like that. I won-t lie when I say that before watching a live performance I have to prepare myself because I know what it arouses in me and how it makes me feel, how much it touches me and in what way in those places I keep well hidden and untainted in their filth. Filthy places which, in their own way are innocent and fragile in their demented insanity.

I didn-t know the lyrics to Kodou when Withering to Death was finally released....and why need them... by the middle of the song I was on my knees on the floor in the middle of the room, my arms around myself crying in gasps and unable to find the pace of my breathing.

It wasn-t just once in all these years when I wondered: how can you put in words so well exactly how I feel? Exactly what I was thinking?


I became attached to this small Aquarius man whom I-ll never meet and who will undoubtedly know nothing of my existence in this lifetime or beyond as there are some people out there who touch you so deep you can run all you want but you won-t forget how it felt because it was just so intense, almost intimate.

Too much to say, too many words and feelings running around and about, I still can-t find my way around explaining everything in my heart and mind without writing a novel.

Love him? No, that-s the wrong word to use as far as I-m concerned. Respect them?
Him?
Immensely.




The sadness on my face will probably be gone tomorrow
When did my eyes become dead?

What is waiting for me tomorrow as I sing and live without meaning?
Alone in my room as my heartbeat screams
Don't kid yourself and don't fool yourself

The unstoppable rain The unstoppable sound The unstoppable scar
The unstoppable love The unstoppable song...
I can't stop it anymore
I can't handle it anymore

Kill the voice
Close your eyes
Drown in the darkness
Roam around
I won't depend on anyone anymore
Kill the voice
Close your eyes
Drown in the darkness
Roam around
I keep inside me your keen voice...
All in darkness

Its such an irony, this sunny bright weather
-Good Morning- - Dir en Grey - Kodou















B.

Hyde and L-arc en Ciel were my first love affair with Japanese pop-rock music. You don-t forget small things like that.
I have problems remembering my first kiss and my first time because I didn-t care and because it was ugly, but I-ll always remember listening to Niji, then, later on, falling asleep listening to Unexpected, dreaming of winter on White Song, all his solo songs fascinated me for some reason.

Hyde-s voice makes me think of endless highways and green fields over clear, deep, deep blue skies. Of calm winter landscapes.

Reminds me of moments in my life I engraved, burned, in my memory, the sun piercing through my eyes some summer afternoon when the world seemed to have died and I was walking down the street wondering if I-ll ever see the cherry blossoms in Kyoto. Smoking late at night, watching the city lights die out, one by one, hoping for change.
Waiting for the snow.




Dim lit streets come and go. People go. Seasons pass. I grow older and wrinkles set in the corner of my eyes, I smoke a million cigarettes and drink countless cups of coffee. Lovers will never stay. Trends will change, people in my life will go, others will die. Walking streets I-ll never step on again, meeting people I will never see again.
In the middle of it all, I still have this. The long wait lived through the calmness offered by someone else-s voice, lyric by lyric, possessed,
embraced,


let go.



Then it happens.

Unexpected, unexpected....


You know....thanks for the memories you-ll never know about.




I've only memories of happiness
Such pleasure we have shared
I'd do it all again

This scenery is evergreen
As buds turn into leaves
The colors live and breathe
This scenery is evergreen
Your tears are falling silently

So full of joy you are a child of spring
With a beauty that is pure
An innocence endures.. - Hyde - Evergreen



B.

I laughed and I cried during Tarja-s concert.
I cried and I laughed when she walked out of the smoke in that black and blue cloak that fits her so well and she started to sing my absolute favorite Nightwish song: She Is My Sin. I lost it in that moment, I jumped and I sang along and we all yelled her name.
I cried, unable to control myself when she sang I Walk Alone. Not once did she falter, not once did she forget about us, talking, spreading her arms to us, smiling at us.


Getting there and being there was an adventure in itself and regardless of how many pages I could fill writing it all down, for now I don-t feel like it. The only thing I want to write about would be the last moment I could squeeze out of an already amazing, energy filled, wonderful night.





It doesn-t matter all my bones and muscles hurt now, or how much I walked, or the fact I was awake for so long. It doesn-t even mater that in the picture I took with her we both look like hell. That I waited for an hour after the show to see her, at 3 in the morning. Or that I lost my voice, or that I was hungry and sleepy on the way back home, or that I-m broke.

I waited silently for my turn, because she was ever so wonderful as to take her time, despite how obviously tired she was, to talk and write autographs and take pictures with everyone, until the last fan. A man kissed her hand. A girl was too dazed to say anything to her, so she just smiled and Tarja smiled back, to her, to everyone.
When I finally got my turn, she signed my ticket and we took a picture all the while I was trying to tell her everything I wanted to tell her since so long but in the end my voice cracked up and I couldn-t utter my words properly.
I just managed to tell her that I thank her for the music and what her music has offered me, then my voice gave out and started to shake too much for me to be able to say anything more without bursting into tears, so I bit my tongue and shut up.
And she smiled at me and said: no, thank you, thank you! and she grabbed my arms and pulled me to her and kissed my cheeks, just like that.

Tarja gave me that little special moment that made me feel like it had been worth it all even more, that she knew right then and there, without too many words, how much her voice and songs mean to me and I knew for real, that she lives for all of it, truly and honestly.I wouldn-t change that for a better photo, for less effort in getting there, for less money spent, for anything.
She truly is now, my Winter Queen.








B.

I can-t get enough of these women...they-re the ones I mentioned in my other entry. This is what B.E.G might have been if they didn-t decide to go for idol-group-sexy-electro-pop thing. I still like them, but compared to this....the line is as thick as the one I draw between BB and Tiger JK.
As for my life and thoughts a.k.a what should have been written here instead of rants about music and running - I don-t feel like talking about it right now.





I-m embedding this because everyone should listen to them.
The song is called Woman and you don-t need no lyrics and no translation, seriously.
Anyone who has a bad word against these women is going to have to deal with me.


B.

I received a gift today.

I got a lot of pressure on my back at the moment, emotionally but especially financially, so dealing with my mother and her antics, especially her absolute pleasure of arguing out of everything (rarely with me because she knows I am too calm to be annoyed) was not what I needed to hear. It was probably the first time in my life I simply wanted to yell it straight in her face to just shut the hell up.
I didn-t do it of course, and probably never will, but earlier today I was already in a state where I had to close my eyes and take a few deep, deep breaths.

A while ago, while watching the BB YG Documentary thing (purely for the lulz, of course), Daesung gave an interview in his episode and he mentioned an all female group he admired. I am not sure because I didn-t have the subtitles, but they were shown in the background and I was surprised at the voices I heard.
Didn-t know their names or who they were and it was frustrating as hell because I had to know. I forgot about it after a few days, but I just discovered their name by pure chance this afternoon so I decided to have a listen and see if they were really that good or sold out like B.E.G did.
I pretty much went on YouTube and pressed on the first live show link I could find (because when recording anyone can make themselves sound better) and sat back to listen.
But I did not expect that.

I was blown away and had chills going down my spine throughout the duration of the song.
They were defined as an idol group, though being nothing like it, as by Korean standards, they are not pretty or entertaining (aka no bare legs, sexy poses or cool dancing skillz).
Myself, I saw 4 talented, gorgeous women who were shining on a stage in just their simple black and white dresses, but that-s just me.
Don-t get me wrong, they sing slow music, ballads, but you already know my father raised me on this stuff so despite my hip hop loving self, I will always have an immense, immense weakness for good, melodic, strong voices (I failed epically the first time I listened to Daesung and Tae sing together and only ended up loving them the most, so that should wrap it up)
And.......I don-t know. I downloaded some songs I am listening to right now and they are simply amazing.

After feeling the way I did earlier, trying to close my eyes and find a point of focus again, I get these four women, out of the blue.
Music is my healer, truly, and that-s that.



B

Author:B.
Name: B.
Nationality: I don't stay for long enough anywhere to belong somewhere.
Interests: coffee, cigarettes, writing, reading, graphic art, living/being alive, traveling, how things work/function, history, music.
I Love: coffee, cigarettes, tea, big cities, the sea, the ocean, seashells, cherry tomatoes, rain, rain clouds, rice, sand, kashmere, a big city's noise at night, city lights by night, learning, listening, being alone, dead leaves, silence, 5 a.m's, music.
I Hate: lies and liars, prejudice.
I believe in: not much.
This journal:is the place I write just like I dance - like no one is watching. This is why everything I write is like a monologue to me. I don't care who is reading, my thoughts flow like this and this is how they will be written down.
These are my thoughts, my opinions, not my friends', not my country's, not your mother's and not your dog's.

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