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I got a lot of self respect and that is a problem for some people I meet at times.

Growing up, I used to put everyone else on a pedestal and give them things, try my best to make their life easier, make them happy, buy them things. Somehow, I still ended up looking like I haven-t given enough, like I was still selfish. So I tried harder, but most friends are friends only during the good times.
So one day I said one of my trademark quotes (fuck this), flipped everyone off and walked out of it all. I cut ties with most people I knew and from home I only talk to three people nowadays, tops, and I don-t regret it one bit. I decided to become selfish and to buy things for myself instead of making gifts to people who don-t even appreciate them, and it felt great. The funny part is that only now everyone else seems to have noticed that all that meant I cared for them, now, when I stopped giving.
Which brings me to the subject of this entry.

I consider everyone should have a certain amount of self-respect, problem is most people lend an ear to what everyone else says and succumb to being miserable and do absolutely nothing to better themselves.
My mother is like this, I-ve been on her back for months to get a haircut and preferably dye her hair. Even that small bit does wonders for your self esteem. I mean, it doesn-t matter who you are, some big boss of some company or a prostitute, we all have some pride and god knows I have one of the sins of the young and bold too: the one of being proud. I don-t like to be forced to kneel down and if I am, what goes around comes around. I normally let live and let die, but truth be told, I have become more vengeful and sure of myself and my abilities like never before. Like stating in some of my previous entries, I am slowly becoming the person I always intended to be.

Self-respect is a big part of it and I hate it when I see people I care for that allow themselves to simply fade away into the nothingness they force their lives to turn into. Because I do blame the people: truly, it-s only as good as you make it to be and even if sometimes it doesn-t turn out that great even if you try.....then try harder. I believe anyone with a certain amount of self-respect is no quitter.
I hate quitters.
I hate resignation.

My father, spiteful of him as I still might be, has taught me a few things and one of them was to never dress down. He used to like nice fabrics, classic dresses and fine jewelry, he hated to see me wearing plastic and pointed out to me the poor quality of a fabric when he saw it. We were poor but he taught me to appreciate a fine meal and never say no to a glass of quality wine but no more than that.
I don-t have much and I am definitely in a financial slump right now and have been for the longest time already but I won-t allow myself to fade away. I still check the quality of every piece of clothing I buy and I-d rather pay more for something that-s worth it, than pay little for a piece of crap that will tear up in a month. I don-t wear plastic and even if I happen to, it better bloody be the best, fine cut plastic on the market. Though I am known for my obsession with silver.
I don-t like cheap presents because I don-t make cheap presents either, unless it-s something special, like something a friend did by hand for me or picked for me because of a special meaning. When that happens, I don-t care if it-s an origami made out of toilet paper, because it has that special meaning that will stay with me. But as far as the rest of humanity goes, I can-t be bought with any cheap little thing.

I only mention this because it has happened a lot of times before and it angered me beyond reason. I think I-m worth it, even if others don-t and I wish some people out there, the few and far in between I care for, would do just the same because I am sick of watching people dying away while still being alive and just trolling around like zombies and having no respect for the wonderful people they really are.


Self hate is like alcohol: you-re drunk of you-re sober (Tablo)

It-s a big difference between respecting yourself and being blatantly arrogant by the way.
But maybe I just pay too much attention to my social presence. But I see nothing wrong with saying thank you, smiling or using a knife and fork the right way, taking care of your makeup and buying clothes that are worth it. I respect through that the people around me and myself.
It-s a small thing that means a lot and it-s through the smallest things that it comes alive and truth be told, it builds me up and in a way it makes me feel more at peace with myself and the world. And it feels just fine.

B.

Going to Tarja-s concert with Abracadabra loud in my headphones, an all-teeth smile, nail art done by yours truly, the same pink butterfly phone charm I always have on and a piece of wtf fashion I managed to pull off with some jeans, my suit vest and a peasant blouse with my Lucky 13 belt I found in some small punk-rock shop in London.

Two the many things I am grateful I learned from life so far:

Dress for yourself.
Stay calm.


I remember I was reading an article on Gothic Lolita a while ago and it said something among the lines of: the Lolitas most likely don-t do this for anyone else, it seems like the Japanese young women finally dress up and do their hair for their own pleasure and comfort this time.
I really liked reading an opinion like that because it strengthened me in my conviction too.
I always been an individualist and the biggest thing for me has been and still is, to be true to myself and others - what you see is what you usually get. I don-t like liars, lies or to lie, despite how sometimes I have to do it.
I am glad I went past the stage of: oh but what will the people think ?! because now I can afford to go to a symphonic rock conert while listening to 2ne1 on the way there and sport my hot pink phone charm and have blood red Lady Vengeance-like makeup and a smile on and know there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I choose to be happy. To stand out if it so happens, to mix up my passion for asian history with my interest for electronics/robotics, to make peace between my love for Dir en Grey and Epik High. I choose to express myself as freely as I can.
Stand up for whatever it is you believe in, even if it means standing up alone.
Never let go of anything (whatever it is) that you can-t go a day without thinking about (you know....coffee, Kpop, eyeliner, music, drawing, writing, those few and far in between friends I still have)

What was one of my wishes ?
Oh yes: to live outrageously.
Fashion, the artistic movement, words and rhymes, music, are expressions of each individual on how he or she perceives the world so in my mix and match of pretty much anything and everything, my opinions on the world I live in should be pretty clear...or not at all XD
In a way I guess, it-s about self respect too. The more you dress for yourself and not for everyone else or for whatever everyone else might say, the more better for you and your self-respect. I have a personal conviction that people bad mouth everyone else who stands out or does not follow a certain rule simply out of jealousy - either because someone has the courage to be who they are, or for other reasons of the kind. Truth be told, the haters hate out of jealousy/envy, there truly is not another reason and never ever will be and anyone who puts an ear to all the words should better crawl in a hole and never get out if they are unable to ignore them and brush it off their shoulders. Things can hurt you only if you allow them to.

I was shocked when a room mate of mine from London asked me why do I hang out with a French woman I hanged out with. She was in her 30s, always in punkish ripped-off and written on blouses and large pants and had the habit of talking real loud.
My reply was obviously:...why wouldn-t I...? o.O
My roommate: aren-t you embarassed? What would the people think, throw you in the same crowd as her and think you-re just like her.
Me: *stands still for a second or two, still in shock someone can say such idiothic things out loud*...I...don-t....really give a fuck what people think...
That woman made me laugh, I made her laugh in tears. She lied for me and risked getting in trouble to help me out and always accompanied me to watch a football game in the pub or going out at midnight to grab some chinese. And I loved her wierdness. With my eyes closed I could pick her up from a crowd because of her loud voice and cracked up french accent. Nothing wrong with that.


I get kicks out of moments when people find out contrasting facts about me (uncover my tattoos/oh look, I don-t always wear serious clothes/this? This is Kpop/Jpop! =D/etc.) and say they-re gonna call me back and never do. I like it when that happens because it saves me a lot of work of finding out which person is worth it and which is not.
I don-t really want to meet people I need, but more like people I like being around and who like me back, someone just as quirky and free-minded who will always have my back and viceversa.



Blending things together, you like what you like, you dress like you dress, you listen what you listen to, as long as you do it because you feel strongly about it, for yourself and no one else and more importantly - if it makes you happy, there-s nothing wrong with that.
They blended in together in rings and necklaces silver and gold, so there-s no reason why I shouldn-t sparkle in different highlights either.


B.

Oh God, headache.......Hopefully the coffee will help me get past it a bit and make some sense of the entry I wanted to write.

This is an issue I wanted to adress some time ago but I kept on forgetting about it until last night when me and CJ had a short talk in between our spazzing (see, JinJin baby, you inspire me =D) over Jiyongie (cause he's nice to spazz over)
Basically what I want to talk about is style and personal expression.

I am known for my "Dude, I don't care what he/she thinks of me, stop stressing, chill and let's have a coffee" whenever people inform me that other people had something to say about how I act or dress. Because I learned not to, and I know that a lot of people have said in the past and still do, a lot of things about me, but hmmm....I suppose I accepted that ? I think that's the best way to begin the healing process (I'll write about that too, later), this being one of the things you learn to deal with and ultimately not care much about. So I suppose I'm just....well....blisfully ignorant ? =D No, seriously, I know the words and what not, but I just chose to sorround myself with the things I like, with like-minded people and enjoy myself.

So, most people do ask me at one point: why do you wear makeup/are so careful with your clothes/ do this or that ? I thought you didn't care about what people have to say about you. Ok, this is an interesting issue for me because I don't think a lot of people have drawn a clear line between doing it for everyone else, and doing it for yourself. Despite me lacking seriously in the morality department, I tell you, I respect myself and there's no reason in the whole god damned world I'd not take care to look decent or act decently for my own respect as a person and a young woman.
Why do you act so serious when you're sometimes so silly ? Once again, because I act like a 12 year old at times, it does not mean I will not be ready to step up and take responsability for how things work when other people preffer to continue acting like 12 years old when the situation definetely does not demand that. It's as simple as that. I won't act serious just for other people's sake and the way they might see me. I act serious because the situation demands it and it's just not the time time be immature, simple as that, because that's how I am in that moment.

It's not about caring what people think or say, it's about the amount of respect you have for yourself and how you manage being yourself in different situations. Myself, I have the capacity of being a joker and a spazzing lulzy fangirl on crack (anyone who knows me more knows how scary that can get at times), in sneakers and a hoodie as much as I can turn around and become a cold and ruthless bitch who doesn't smile, in painfully high heels and a shirt and vest.
I suppose it's just your luck on which one of those two you happen to meet first I'm afraid XD

But I don't mind any, I want to have the freedom to morph and transform as I see more fit and you won't be allowed to be like that until you set yourself free of all the rubbish that sorrounds you on a daily basis and kick away the people who have nothing to do with their lives but gossip and try to make you miserable just because they can't be who they are. There's rarely any good reason behind gossip but envy, I mean take the celebrities - why do we want to know what's going on in their personal lives all the time, wait for them to screw up with something ? Because we need to know they're human too and even with that much money and status, they can still be jerkes and bitches. We need to know they're doing bad so we can feel better about ourselves.

So to hell with that, I say.
I always looked up to people who do their own thing. It doesn't matter how crazy and wtf-worthy it is, if they do it because it's just their thing then good for them, I'll cheer them on, rest assured!
I like people who express themselves freely through their style and lifestyle regardless of the words thrown at them. Not people who copy a style just because it's in the trend. I like those who copy a style and make it their own because they feel close to it and it speaks about the way they are, their personality.

Personally, I listen to a lot of asian music and we all know the asian artists, especially the jrock ones, have the most unusual styles your eyes will ever lay their glance upon. Sometimes it hurts my eyes (Jiyongie honey, you look like a lolipop !!), sometimes it makes me cock an eyebrow (-8 years ago- wait up, Mana is a man ??), sometimes it makes me cringe (Kyo, that's ..........wrong...). But regardless, I don't remember one single time I haven't enjoyed it thoroughly. Because I really respect that.
Who cares if it's almost.... otherwordly ? I like people who express themselves freely and experiment. I love experimenting, I love new things and I love turning the most usual things on the flipside. It bothers me, fan-wise, when I hear someone saying their favourite member of a band or group has chaged styles or hairdo and they are so very much against it. Woha, wait up, hold on, who the hell are you to dictate someone's choice of showing their personality through the style they picked ?? Go back in your hole !
Anyone who has the guts to step up and show themselves to the world as they are, funky, crazy or something that we don't even have a word for yet, should be applauded and cheered on.

So, I have a lot of life advices for everyone, and everyone knows it, you all pretend not to hear me but I give them to you anyway, as I grow, evolve and learn on the way myself, but one thing I will stress on everyone will always be : Imagine. Inspire. Motivate. Create.
End of story.






B.

I just realized how much I (wrongly) count on other people's common sense and education.

My father might not have been such a great man but he did drill into me the importance of manners, then allowed me to learn on my own skin how to conduct a conversation. As years passed by, I started to give common sense and code of conduct a lot of importance and despite me not being all that great at many things, I know that even my father, critics of all critics, was never ashamed to take me out in public with him (aside from when I gained weight, probably) and was always confident enough in my manners and conversational skills to let me talk even to his mistress (whom he always looked highly upon because the bitch was smart, I have to give it to her).

True, I can mess up everything if I am not in the mood to talk, but if need arises, I can behave myself in a lot of different social circles.
It's just important for me: open doors, pull out chairs. Managing to go through the most uninteresting and boring discussion partners or conversation with spunk and wit.
You know what I like best ? When I am responded to in a proper manner.

For the sake of the code of conduct, there are times when people, genuinely, do not want to see or hear what you have to say. But they entertain you for a few sentences, nodding in agreement or politely disagreeing with you. They don't say "Shut the hell up" because they are aware of their code of conduct, which means they respect the people they talk with, so they will ask you one or two things or allow you to speak up whatever it is on your mind, then they'll let you know, politely, that they are not interested. (With a smile without a reply, maybe)
Just as politely, you respect them for respecting you and you back off.

These things are important in a society such as ours, respect is important, even in a conversation and whereas I will always be outspoken about my views to everyone, I will never be conversationally agressive, just mannered, regardless of what I have to say.
Unfortunately, I don't find a lot of people like these, not to mention the kind that don't get it when you're only entertaining their thoughts out of respect and go on and on with it and rant, and rant, not getting the hint.
I won't start with men who do their thing forgetting they have a lady next to them and walk in like they own the place, don't ask her opinion and whatnot, or women unable to entertain their guests.

Small gestures always were big on my radar and I'm normally good at seeing which ones are faked (such as a man being courteous for his first date when he's normally not like that at all) and which ones are real (such as a good friend of mine who does not pull out chairs but sometimes opens the door, despite knowing I'm still a tomboy at heart =)).
I have my own gestures I do mechanically, such as opening doors for the older people, such as my mother, or carrying her bags. Pouring the drinks to the oldest person first and guess what : I can even use a fork and a knife properly.

In this time and age, alright, not many bother, but I do, and I respect in return the people who bother a bit too.
Little things matter, at least to the people who are worth it.

The roughed up gal with a mind of her own, the one you really like, who can knock a guy flat out with a flick of her wrist ? You'd probably grow a lot in her eyes next time you'll open the door for her.



B.

Author:B.
Name: B.
Nationality: I don't stay for long enough anywhere to belong somewhere.
Interests: coffee, cigarettes, writing, reading, graphic art, living/being alive, traveling, how things work/function, history, music.
I Love: coffee, cigarettes, tea, big cities, the sea, the ocean, seashells, cherry tomatoes, rain, rain clouds, rice, sand, kashmere, a big city's noise at night, city lights by night, learning, listening, being alone, dead leaves, silence, 5 a.m's, music.
I Hate: lies and liars, prejudice.
I believe in: not much.
This journal:is the place I write just like I dance - like no one is watching. This is why everything I write is like a monologue to me. I don't care who is reading, my thoughts flow like this and this is how they will be written down.
These are my thoughts, my opinions, not my friends', not my country's, not your mother's and not your dog's.

; g o s s i p m a n !

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