The Flower On The High Shelf
"Because I am a man?"
"And I, a woman?" she demanded, not really a question but more of a statement actually stating nothing much to begin with. She stood there in her red silk robe that was something between that and a kimono, the golden flowers embroided on it sparkling in the lantern lights.
He did nothing, as he was, on the wooden floor, his robe of black, deep red and gold all around him, the auburn silk undergarments just the same, making him seem endless, which was not an understatement at all, at least as far as his being was concerned. He avoided her eyes though, as his own were lost somewhere in the golden pattern of her robe, the flower texture dancing left and right in the flicker of the candles.
"Man and woman. When did we lose sight of that so much that it actually became so important?" she said, mockingly, though not without a trace of anger and regret.
It was as if until Xiao hadn-t uttered the words, man and woman, assessing their sex and the qualities and faults that seemed to come attached to those words, they had not been aware of their gender.
And now here they both were, in this large room of the tea house, the Zen garden profiled beyond the porch and everything around them lit by paper lanterns, the woman standing, the man at her feet. He, Tora, kind and gentle, his bones fragile and his skin delicate and she, Maria, aggressive and offensive, her shoulders straight as if they could carry the weight of mountains and her character in every like hood of a stone.
"I need some air" Tora said, the folds of black and auburn gaining the flowing shape they always did around his slender body as he got up and headed towards the porch.
"I will not go through with this just because they found fit to command me!" she said without moving an inch, decision clear in her voice and even if he had his back to her he still felt the defying rise of her eyebrows as she said that "I need no man!"
"And I need no woman." he replied without thinking, looking at her over his shoulder, his hand close to a paper lantern he was almost ready to grab. She always got him because she counted on his quick temper and mutual understanding of both their feelings and character. That was why Tora could see the corner of her mouth almost going up but she hid it well in the flickers of light.
"I demand someone kind." Maria did not mind saying, her voice lower.
"I demand someone strong." came the reply. Tora looked at her over his shoulder for a moment then grabbed the paper lantern he intended to and stepped out of the porch and on the stone path barefoot and turned to her fully, holding the lantern to his side "Take a walk with me?" he asked and her face lighted up like a child-s because for a moment she felt forgotten and pushed aside.
The silk of their robes made that distinct sound it did as it molded on every shape it touched, the wood of the porch, the stones in the garden, while they started walking, Tora putting his arm through hers and even though taller, he was the one that rested his head on her shoulder every now and then because he found comfort in it and she was one to give it to him.
Xiao was watching them from the window of his room while absently tying his long hair in a loose tail. He saw Maria chasing away the night butterflies with her fan because Tora was as displeased about insects just as much in his human form as well as a tiger, in return, Tora just held on to her arm tighter. Xiao thought that, if he indeed possessed a heart, he would have felt displeased at the prospect, but heart or no heart, those two had to be separated and thrown back onto their own paths.
- The Flower On The High Shelf
B.
that search
4:50 a.m
I could have slept if I wanted, but I drank coffee after coffee and kept awake, for no reason, really. Just that feeling that I learned I am not unique in feeling (though it brings little comfort), that feeling of missing something or of wasting time.
I did nothing special.
I read some more from a historical novel that revolves around Queen Elizabeth and her cousin Letitia and the inevitable Robert Dudley, it-s focusing more and more on the love triangle with each page I turn and it sickens me a bit to my stomach because I dislike romance novels (unless utterly bored and with nothing better to read) but it-s still a history lesson I suppose. It speaks a bit about the political conflicts of England at that time so it-s not a complete waste of time. I am in no mood to read about medieval warfare or naval warfare in the middle ages (because I DO have books on that matter too), so I-ll keep reading this one, it keeps my mind away from other things.
Watched the first three episodes from season one of Prison Break since it-s the only season worth watching from that series, but I was so absent-minded I could bear no more. So I stared out the window some more.
Ate a lot of cake.
I got a tad bit tired now but I can-t go to sleep because my alarm will ring in about 3 hours and I-ll only get a headache. I don-t really have anything very important to do this morning, just personal matters and going around to catch some wi-fi somewhere, probably drink a hot chocolate and eat more cake. Apparently I have zero stress concerning my silhouette and it-s not even as if I shouldn-t be careful because I am anything but a supermodel but lately, if I don-t have my chocolate dosage of the day, I find myself bothered. And they said cocaine is addictive.
I dreamed about Dita VonTeese last night (or was it this afternoon?), we were sitting at a table in a park of some sorts, she, wonderfully attired and fascinating as always, and chatting about things while drinking coffee though I am not sure of the exact topic but it might have been we were talking about love. Dear god, love of all things! I can see the faces of my friends cocking their eyebrows at me and having a laugh, since I always been the last thing to ponder or weight love! I do joke about it, write about it, but life has left me bitter so I don-t give love any importance. Actually, I don-t think I am fully capable of conveying such a feeling inside me, hence why I shouldn-t and will not bother with it seriously.
I found it amusing that it was Dita, out of all people that go through my head before I go to sleep.
Behold the queen of useless intros that should lead to whatever it is on her mind at the moment! I-ll try to make some sense now.
Speaking of dreams, my mother is horrified because I keep on telling her I dream of husbands and children. For some reason she (like a good deal of people) has the impression I will be wooed by the next man that comes in my path, get pregnant and ruin the rest of my life (like she did). I tried to explain to her I tend to get too disgusted every time a man touches me and that marriage is the last thing on my mind and children out of all things, since they are creatures I tend to have a strong dislike for.
Most of my friends speak about the men and women they meet or have relationships with (most of which are bastards or psychos but that-s beside the point) while my replies to those are my concerns regarding traveling, if I-ll ever do rock climbing again or why in God-s name they don-t make cigarettes like they used to.
I don-t think I can feel anything much for fellow humans anymore. Especially in the past few days when I have been struck my complete disregard for human life, it-s a phase that happens to me every now and then and it usually passes in a week or so. I do miss company and the comfort of friends but I-m far away and everyone has their own life now and as far as meeting new people....truth be told, few have the value my actual friends have so I-d rather see those few friends of mine once a year but with joy, rather than constantly meeting new people and feigning interest.
My mother sometimes says that my body temperature reflects my character. It-s only because I have cold feet and ice cold hands regardless of the season. Maybe I-m like that, she compares me to a lizard which is fine because some species of lizards are very cute and prettily colored.
I am trying to throw the sarcasms and jokes aside when writing about feelings, I truly am, but unless I mock at them I might end up taking myself too seriously and forget my place and because I am a Capricorn, I am prone to that.
I-m prone also to these detached periods when I feel like having nothing to do with anyone simply because I-m tired of keeping up with things that don-t catch my interest. I consider though it-s polite to be nice and go around the day just like everybody does and do what you have to do but you can only play a part for so long and I don-t even play that one too well since I constantly do how I please and no matter how polite I am, it won-t always be recieved because of my strange behavior.
None the less...
........I like to jump on beds. In piles of fallen leaves too. I don-t jump in puddles because I adore my shoes but I have a tendency to go for a walk when it rains just because I love it so much. I waste hours on nail art and I like just sitting by the window in a busy city and watch the night traffic. I like solving puzzles and forcing my mind into solving all sorts of things.
I like to change my mind at 2 a.m and pack my bags and go for a visit randomly, to wherever I decide in that moment. I like to be woken up at 7 in the morning and asked: hey, do you wanna go grab a coffee by the seaside, when the seaside is about 600Km away.
I am usually the one who brings excitement in the lives of people because I have the silly impression life is up for the grabs and I can just try and jump to reach things and make them my own. People enjoy the ride and once they-ve had some fun, they move along to the cozy places they made for themselves in their lives.
Truth be told, few stay for the whole ride and the reason why I have become so apathetic these days is because I miss (or lack?) people who bring excitement in my life.
I am curious by nature, exceedingly so, and I like to be challenged, thus I am in constant need of new things do to, to see, to experience. If I fall in a pattern, I turn itchy and irritable, nothing satisfies me.
Though pensive, my mind is never in a normal trail of thought, it-s a constant storm where I probably spend too much time for my own good, but I-m just that type of person, I think a lot and probably 99% of my cerebellum is busy imagining all sorts of fantastic things rather than worrying about being a bride and falling into motherhood for example. The world seen through my eyes has a magical, almost surreal quality about it that I find difficult to show to most, or explain, because to them it seems like it makes no sense.
I fail into resisting because the temptation of the search is so grand and it shines brighter than most things I am surrounded by. I know the answers, no, I know the root of all this and it helps me understand more and more about myself each day.
The root of all these apparent incoherent thoughts and ideals is my constant search for whatever it is I am searching for and the constant grasp and desire for individual freedom.
I am starting to believe that the missing piece is not at all a person as everyone around me feels so inclined to make me think, but a moment, or some piece of information that would bring me the understanding I need to finally feel like I am resting, both in mind and soul.
I once read a theory that stated the fact that we contribute to the Universe with a single moment that can last less than a second. All of our life has meant nothing or was just the path that lead us to that moment or piece of knowledge and all we are worth is that moment (which I chose to call a spark).
I felt elated when I first thought about that, I don-t know why. Maybe because I am vain and because I believe I will make my life, the path, so worth it that I-ll go and explode my spark into something similar to a Supernova? Maybe. But I know that fleeting love and passion, silver and gold or giving birth hold little, or depending on what I just mentioned, no importance for me and why?
Because every time the journey for whatever it is I-m searching begins physically, when my mind is not ahead of my body but in rhythm with it, finally urging it and having the freedom to continue, my heart beats so fast I can hardly catch my breath.
B.
She, Who Will Not Get Married
It-s almost 3 in the morning.
I made some coffee and I-m waiting on it to cool down a bit while listening to Ronny Jordan-s Brighter Day.
I happened to stumble on what they called the World Poker Championship and watched it until around 2. I had no clue about it and even if I did, I doubted they-d play it on TV but I-m glad they did for us the poor souls who can-t afford the special TV packages. I watched it while holding my breath and was disappointed at the bloke who won but Matthew Woodward had a suicidal tendency and threw himself in one of the final calls and lost most of his money so when the other guy put down half a million or so, he had to make a call and ended up losing.
I love watching sports, god forbid I have to go somewhere and while getting ready I start watching some sport or game I am interested in, I might cancel the meeting if it-s not very important of course, and lay down to watch. I love football (soccer) and rugby (GO ALL BLACKS!!). I watch artistic ice skating and count on me to have a go for Hockey at any time of the day.
Sometimes I watch basketball but not as much as I used to as a kid, when I would set the alarm at 2 in the morning so I can wake up and see replays of the Lakers and Raptors games from the U.S.
Used to be a huge fan of Formula One, but I seem to have grown out of it for some reason. Must be because Schumacher left, I was a huge fan of his and in the last two years he was racing, things didn-t seem quite the same in the F1 world anymore. I don-t know why.
I watch snowboarding and in line skating competitions, but rarely.
I enjoy watching Pool when I happen to see it and it-s overall a game I enjoy playing even if I am not skilled and I am a bad loser, and I enjoy watching Poker, as stated above.
Poker competitions always had a certain appeal to me, must be because they stretch deep into the night, the crowd is small and the focus is on the cards and those three-four people standing at that table, everything else is in chiaroscuro, almost like the shadows of a film noir. Haha, yes, welcome, once again, to the other side of the lenses, how I happen to see the world.
But it-s true, in my eyes those competitions have a certain air of noir magic so to speak, the players with bags under their eyes, each with their own quirks and glances, most of them in shirts, some have fun, others resent every cent they lost, it-s such a great game to see the character of every man. I wish when I meet someone, instead of having a chit chat over a coffee, I-d play a round or two of Poker with them, I believe it would help me get to know them better than most chats.
I do keep away because I believe I tend to get too competitive and I also believe I have the gambler-s streak in me and to mix that with someone with a personality like mine can prove to be dangerous.
Also to mention I have no luck at all.
And oh dear, men do not like a reckless woman with the gambler-s streak in her now, do they?
Poker brings me closer to the point of an entry I wanted to write about for a while.
I am watching a korean TV series called The Man Who Can-t Get Married. It-s hilarious and even more for me. The story revolves around a man in his late 30s who has not married nor is he engaged, and everyone in his family demands he marries but he refuses vehemently because he says he is happy alone. All sorts of events and new friends and all but the series made me watch episode after episode because I found it extremely amusing that the man had 4 out of 5 of my own quirks and habits. It was where I drew the line while laughing out loud that I shall definitely spend my life alone!
I have built my own habits you see. Small things that are mine and mine only. For example, I feel that if more than a day goes by and I haven-t made the pot of coffee with my own hands or some tea, it-s like.....like something without something else.
Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don-t.
Sometimes I spend the evening with some Jazz music in the background and a glass of something in my hands while watching the city for hours.
I don-t like to be disturbed and more so if I am working or reading, I tend to get very stingy if I-m bothered. This to mention the least.
I will not lie and say that I do not miss the company at times, but I will not make myself addicted to it, because truth be told, I am not a lovey dovey kind of person either. I-m satisfied in my loneliness and I plan to keep it for the longest time possible, unless I find a spirit so kindred to mine that I won-t be able to do otherwise.
I am an impossible creature, never satisfied and always demanding, there are few people who can stand my continuous company and I admit to those flaws willingly. I either manage to make people cry, get angry, utterly annoyed or thoroughly desperate so keeping the distance always had seemed like the best option to maintain good relations to the good people I still have in my life.
More so, getting back to the point, what man would ever trust a woman who enjoys poker? One who is so much set into her ways? One who must arrange things in alphabetical order and then her personality turns 180 and she recklessly bets everything on a card? And so on.
I am truly a fortunate thing though, some might end up in the pit of depression at how exasperated their friends can become when around them but I believe I made big steps in seeing exactly how I am so I don-t resent them when, at times, they happen to hate me. It-s not as if they do it without reason.
As far as my romantic life goes, it-s nonexistent and I plan to keep it that was as long as possible. Most of the times it-s enough for me to see the people I care for in happy relationships or marriages, it satisfies me in many ways.
I was walking down the street this evening, nicely dressed up and my ears focused on my headphones, swinging my purse around while walking down the hill and I saw rows and rows of married women with children and husbands. They looked tired and defeated, as if they didn-t want to be there and disliked me as soon as they saw me as they threw their glances my way because my mood in that moment must have been obvious: I was satisfied with myself because I was free as a stray cat and enjoying my evening walk like a bird with a french fry.
To correct the notion: not free to mess around, sleep around and what not, but free to do as I please when I please how I please.
I love my freedom and I will not hide it, as patronizing as that might sound to some, maybe shallow, watch me care. I value it and I will not threaten it with anything. Restraining myself with something for too long has never worked with me, I tried a lot of times to fall in the norm of normalcy and failed miserably.
I like being alone.
I like the idea of never getting married and never having children.
I like the idea, on which me and a friend of mine were laughing about a while ago, of being an apparently crazy old woman in my 60s with no regard for common sense, some odd pet and lots of rings and bracelets on my hands who acts as if she has unveiled the secrets of the Universe and no army can defeat her. He told me jokingly he could see me like that when I turn 60 and it never sounded like a bad idea.
I suppose I like Poker because I have that gambler streak in me and have actually fallen on that path since I stepped aside from the pattern, the seamless and identical texture of society/what was/is/expected of me as young woman and decided to do something else much unbecoming of me, then did something else, and something else and so on, gambling it on every chance and never knowing what or if I-m going to win. Because you always know what amount you will lose, but the win...? Unknown.
Oh, and that is truly the joy of it indeed!
B.
Stars on Our Knees
There used to be three good friends, one was the best friend of the other best friend. They envied each other and tried to catch most of their other friend for themselves but in the same time they didn-t take it too seriously and liked each other and enjoyed each other-s company every time because they had common dreams and things they believed in.
One, the middle one, wanted to live a life of romance and elevated discussions, an easy, happy life full of flowers and love, adventure, books and good wine.
One, the youngest, longed for the bohemian part of life, mixed with some travels and I believe, and amazing man to go with it.
The other one, the oldest, me, had three big wishes from life and in spite of how many dreams changed, these three were always in the back of her head: to be strong, to draw and to travel, see everything about the world, best as I can.
I used to read a lot of travel books and historical books about people who made history, I dreamed about Rome and the Colosseum, the beaches in Thailand, the snow in Moscow, of drinking a genuine cappuccino and understand what Pavarotti was singing, and many other things in between, everything the books about Egypt could offer me, all the stories I-ve seen where Marlene Dietrich was charmed by the arabian nights in Garden of Allah. Everything that involved traveling and places rich in history fascinated me.
I realized, in time, how hard it is to actually just travel around but the more people told me they-re silly dreams, the more I wanted them to happen.
One day, I was talking with one of those two friends I mentioned above and she told me about our other common friend that she was to soon follow her mother-s footsteps and work for the same company and overall what were the plans she had for her near future.
I asked: wait...wow...that-s sudden....didn-t she say she wanted to travel to Africa or around Europe for a while ?
My friend replied: Well, it seems some people forget their 5th grade dreams.
I was a bit shocked because our friend always had a mind of her own and wanted to live her life in a certain way and see places, experience things. I was taken aback and changed the subject but that short discussion came into my head every now and then in the past few days.
As a kid, I wanted to see the Colosseum and Fontana DiTrevi. I was obsessed with the Colosseum, its history and architecture. One of the travel books my father got me for my birthday had a lot written about it and I used to read those pages over and over again until they ultimately ripped off and I had to tape them back.
A few years after and many other happenings later, working in Italy, I skipped work on a friday, with the paycheck for that month and decided instantly to jump in the first train to Rome. That day I saw the Colosseum (and Fontana DiTrevi and Castel Sant Angelo and the Vatican).
I-ll do what I-ve set out to do, no regrets, no distractions. I-ll see my castles, my whales, turtles and sharks and I-ll swim through places and speak languages, walk through woods and touch stones they speak about in history books and make movies about.
I learned from my heroes, the Spartans, to be strong and keep your territorry, regardless if no one helps you or doesn-t like you, believing in what you believe, they won-t dare to attack you because they know you have faith and people are afraid of those who believe in themselves and have faith.
I remember that short conversation I had with my friend about our other friend often. Back then I felt like something was taken away from us, from her, as if when someone-s dreams or ambitions have been closed beyond a door and due to commodity, or fear, that door was to be closed down for a very long time, if ever opened.
Sure, you can take a break every now and then to breathe and regain your strength but don-t surrender. Raise your hands up and surrender and it-s over! No matter what they tell you, the moment you raise the white flag it-s over and you-re done with. Don-t surrender.
People like you and me don-t live that way, life imprisoned between the four walls of conceptions and ideals of other people and what we are expected to do with no mind of our own...well....we just zombie our way through it, it-s no life.
We have stars tattooed on our knees, our kind doesn-t kneel down to crush them in surrender.
B.
The White Dress
I am taking a break from drawing CJ-s one year anniversary present and thinking about things while my player goes back and forth between 2PM and Big Bang.
When I got certain songs on you can know clearly I am in a wicked mood, somewhere in between playful, mischievous and carefree. I got that now, mixed up with the creative streak. I am trying to focus properly on drawing this because usually, even a drawing that looks simple ends up taking me from 4 hours up. Maybe I-m just not talented, considering it takes me so long because I obsess over every line (I adore clean cut lines and symmetry), but to be honest I am trying very hard not to lose this. I wrote a while ago about the fact that I haven-t been drawing for a long time and only as of recently I started to do it again (and surprisingly, with a different style, a more mature one that just happened, without practicing) and I am forcing myself to draw as often as I can because I don-t want to lose this, it-s a part of me as much as my eyes and hands are, when I-ll let it go, it will mean I lost something important of myself.
But I-m taking a break from sketching the main drawing now as my mind wonders here and there.
I always liked quality things and I can tell at first glance what-s worth paying for and what-s not and one might say I have expensive taste and it-s probably true but I never liked half measures. I blame it on my father and on my zodiac sign yet in the same time, I try to look back every now and then and the memory of my father won-t allow me to give money and wealth as much importance as he did, because I saw what kind of person it can turn you in. But I have a lot of self respect for my own person and it shows in the manner I pick my clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc. from where, and how I wear them.
Though I always try to find the middle way and be careful not to fall into any of the extremes, most people who meet me think I-m either this or that, no one really gets it: that for me it-s all just a game. I like to play, I don-t take people-s word for granted until proven otherwise, so I just prance around having my fun and it is expected for me not to take money seriously either. I take good care of them and, as I mentioned, I will take further steps from January to take care of my future financially but I don-t want the counter to fall into either extreme.
I started to notice this balance thing of mine recently when I was arranging my clothes. I have exactly 5 items of clothing that are violet (one though has a lot of black but it still counts), some other shade of violet, golden and light blue (a pair of jeans), and that-s it, just 5 items, everything else is black, white and gray/silver (I adore silver). When I open my suitcase or drawer, everything-s calm because there-s no insane mix of colors.
It was then when I realized that, once found my balance, my wardrobe presented itself with white and gray, I don-t know where they came from, they just started to appear and as of lately, the white clothing items are almost as many as the black ones.
I like color, but aside from red, I never considered anything brighter to be my thing, simple as that, but colors are not the point here.
I sat there on the floor, folding my clothes and I came to the realization that, once I started to trust myself more and grew stronger, it showed in a very subtle way. It showed in the white summer dress I wore last year at the Black Sea, in the gray hat I wear with a white, striped shirt (opposed to the black shirt which I threw away) and so on.
The comfortable gray shoes with delicate little belts in the front but in whom I can still keep my fast walking. Hats with jeans, sneakers and some t-shirt that fits my body.
The balance. Being in harmony with the aggressive, masculine side of me but not being afraid to also be a woman in the midst of it all.
It-s amazing that I realized all that while comparing my hat (my gangster hat, as I like to call it) and leather black gloves with my white shawl of delicate kashmere and my white peasant blouse.
Every now and then I still fall in a dark place but I am used with fighting for territorry and I-m the type of person that likes to conquer things and doing that in my mind is most important, so I get out of the dark place and the dark places come less often than they used to and there was no one to heal me, I healed myself and I-m most proud of it, even if I stumbled and fell on the way and I was always the last on the field to finish the run, I still finished it and conquered all at my own pace.
Dark moments don-t come as they used to, and I don-t feel guilt as much as I used to for every little thing, though I am still very reproachful when I make bigger mistakes and that is something I don-t want to lose because I-m the best and honest critic I-ll ever have, thus I believe I was on the right path for quite some time already and from knowing that, I can continue to better myself.
Let-s say the next step should be....hmm...to keep in tone with the clothing theme I used here, would be to find an all white silk dress, the kind you wear only on special occasions, and wear it, and feel in it like it-s my second skin and that I earned every right to wear all white in that moment, and earned it through my own strength.
B.
simple like that
Let-s use He, since it-s more suitable, and because He/She wastes a lot of space and typing time.
Why do you feel so attracted to this man?
They demand, almost mockingly or downright amused. Lots of questions I-ve been asked directly or indirectly (because people are such artists at hinting questions instead of asking them because they can always blame it on you for not noticing) through out my life.
Why do I, since he-s not attractive or if he is, very little. He might also have a funny nose, a hairdo that makes little to no sense or an overall odd or unusual facial structure. Why would I want to be seen with him? And dear god, why am I not aware of the glances I-m thrown when or if I walk alongside him on the street?
Because he makes me have an honest, healthy laugh. I reply. And most of all, because he seems kind.
Nothing more, nothing less.
B.
Here. There. Everywere.
I-m confused and currently pending in this state of inertia...or something similar to that.
I will be taking some steps from January into taking care of my future, not knowing when or where I will stop, I don-t want to find myself at 40 and with nothing to assure me I won-t be able to retire to some place in peace. I might be wild, but I am no fool.
In the middle of that, I am anxious, worried and everything in between concerning my leave to Tokyo, fighting between the urge to just go and live there for a month or two and that of staying for a year and work as whatever I can find.
I-m worried about the cultural differences I know so very well, and then I am turned 180 at seeing that the younger people wouldn-t have that much of a problem with me being a foreigner.
I-m worried about my eventual visit to Seoul, should I stay, should I go, should visit or should I work? Can I handle the pressure? Seoul, Tokyo, what if I end up hating it all? It-s something I want to avoid so much that I feel as if I can live with never seeing either, ever.
But I know my kind. My kind does things because otherwise they will not rest if they don-t do it. I am annoyed at my own worry and indecision but I completely understand them.
Sometimes I get so stressed that I-m not able to sleep and I calculate money and plan, over and over until the only solution seems like throwing all the papers away, smoke a cigarette and make a coffee and not think at all.
I will find good things and good people, I must. Even if I have to look at everything at a superficial level, I cannot allow myself to be put down by my own mind, getting into any of these places will be enough of a blow and it will be hard enough, I don-t need to put myself down in my mind too. I should probably stop reading blogs and travel accounts and focus only on language and behavior, I can-t allow myself to be influenced by anything.
I wish I wouldn-t go alone, I wish I-d find someone with the same spirit of adventure and thirst for the unknown as myself and just go for it and laugh at it all when it gets too crazy.
Sometimes I worry and fret and in the end I know I-ll just end up alone, with my backpack on, standing in the middle of the Narita airport, alone, alone, alone and worried, with no clue what to do and where to go next. And love every moment of it.
B.
bunny slipper randomness
Himmler and Goebbles.
I don-t want to throw them away but they-re literally falling apart =(
B.
I know
Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don-t.
I don-t eat much and it shows, I haven-t ran in 2 weeks and I started to smoke more and more. I joke around a lot and hug my mother and be obnoxious when she-s around because she must have that and depends on me to look careless and as annoying to her as I always was, I consider my playacting a duty towards her.
I drink about 4 coffees or so per day, more if I am out and about, 8 times out of 10 I drink them without any sugar.
It takes about 2 hours for me to finish my nails, putting them on, coating them with nail polish, arranging the colored beads in patterns or drawing on them, then coating them in polish again. It took me about 2 hours to re-arrange the folders in my computer again, I even ordered alphabetically my 400 icons. Doing things with patience for hours has always been a trait of mine I am known for, I just blank out and focus on doing said thing, it helps me think better. If I ever take 5 for thinking only, my head is blank; I can only analyze and let my mind wander when I am focused on something.
I have become more accustomed than ever to watching the passage of time. The landscapes from the train, the clock ticking away, the movements of the clouds, the way night changes into morning, just how I used to.
I don-t sleep much I think, just to wake up after sleeping for the whole day.
I don-t know what-s wrong with me in the past 2 weeks, I-m in a very dark place but not the bad kind of dark place, more like a place shadowing me from the heat of the sun I believe. I go about my own ways and I had a good time watching the rugby match on TV last Saturday, between the All Blacks and the italians and it reminded me once again how much I love that sport and how much I like watching the All Blacks play. I-m as chatty as ever and nothing has changed, I just feel slightly different on the inside and I don-t exactly know in what way.
I don-t wash and I don-t cook because I don-t really eat much, I just steal cigarettes from everyone and drown down my hunger with a coffee, vitamins and some fruit. If I see chocolate I tend to ignore it these days.
Total isolation is not good for me, I at least need to go online every now and then to chat up with some people, otherwise I have the tendency to turn very, very cold and extremely detached.
I am slowly making plans towards my later future and from January I-ll start to become increasingly busy and I have to use that little knowledge of Japanese I got to work my way through very easy conversation best as I can, I can-t allow myself to turn lazy.
But then again isn-t this what I-m doing? I could almost say I lost all sense of purpose but thank heavens I had no purpose to begin with so at least that burden or regret is not something I-ll have to live with.
I-m trying to understand this and that and I have made a rule for myself to understand things long before I reach the age and did so, but this... this has always left me dumbfounded. I can truly be whoever you want me to be, I have so many faces you wouldn-t believe and I was surprised when I found out how easy I can turn myself around to adapt to different situations, that I can truly be cruel and that I am capable of kindness, but I still can-t find the link. Slowly, it-s as if I am creeping up to the same feeling when I was 17 and I was writing Cigarette.
I see those days so clearly even now because I had made such an effort to burn their image in my mind. Those warm late summer afternoons when the light was creeping through the leaves of the trees next to the balcony, how I loved to sit sprawled on the couch and watch those shimmers of light while the smell of Black Stone cigarettes floated through the room.
The ashtray was full, Nightmares on Wax was playing over and over again, I was working by night and spent my days in between the supermarket downtown, the only place I could find fresh baked coffee beans, and the shops open at 2 a.m where I could buy some cigarettes from. How I embraced the solitude of those days, living in an apartment where nothing worked, everything was broken, from the furniture to the stove and dust was caked on the windowsill. I took a bath at midnight, the cigarette on the sink, burning itself, then took long walks because there was nothing I loved more from that city than walking at night like that. Home, the city streets deemed most dangerous of the country where I always felt the safest.
I burned the image of Daniel in my mind, as if he truly sat on the sofa across the room, as I was writing him up in Cigarette.
This was a while after A., but A. has scarred me in the most gentle way possible and even though I decided never to speak of him again, I always think about him every now and then, it-s undeniable and it haunts me. A few days ago I was walking down the street in the evening and a man passed by me, the smell of his cologne stinging my nostrils and it sent a chill down my spine, because he smelled just like him. I watched him walk past me and turn right, losing himself on the small street between cafes and neon lights, a man with white hair and a briefcase, dressed in some tweed jacket all browns and greens, who was not the man I was thinking of at all. I continued walking.
I burned the image of those summer days spent in that dark apartment, probably the most silent days of my life because no one called, no one visited, no one cared. I find quiet comfort in them at times because truth be told...I don-t remember anything much of what happened that summer, my mind wiped away, or ignored, everything else.
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I don-t need anyone-s preaching right now.
I know this house ain-t no home.
I know I-m always gone too long.
I know I fail.
I know I should care that my skirt is too short.
I know I seem feather-brained.
I know I should stop.
I know I should have more faith.
I know I [...]
I know, I know, I know, I know and as much as I know it all, in the same measure I will ignore it all because my heart-s not in it and I tend to turn everything in a mess if my heart-s not in it.
I put my arms to the sides of the couch and blow the cigarette smoke to the ceiling, nails shimmering in the dim light of the light bulb, scantly dressed or maybe in my jeans, barefoot in an open shirt, my head moving to the side and leaning on my arm and feeling my life prance around me in the same jazzy bebop-ish rhythm I induced.
I think this is my in-betweener, it-s the only way I can explain it, it-s always so much more clear after I put it down in words. It-s not like those dark wicked places I cannot take any friends into, yet not far because it-s not light either and it-s not one of those merry, colorful places I choose to be wild and happy and free in yet it-s not monochrome either.
It-s almost like being stuck between Jazzamor-s Ain-t No Sunshine and Booby Tamari-s Tokyo Silence.
I know I ---- Ah, never mind.
I know, I know.
B.
Ten Things
Ten Things That Will Always Make Me Laugh Or Feel Good When I-m Sad
1. Wild Bunny (especially Jaebum overdoing it in the car in ep. ..6? Hottest know what I am talking about)
2. Epik High-s Wannabe video.
3. Hearing Junho laugh (never fails).
4. Dirty Eyed Girls (whose projects I will always support with all my heart, really)
5. CJ getting overexcited about things.
6. Beast-s Bad Girl. Anytime I-ll have enough of dancing on that song will still be too soon. Don-t ask me why because it-s a BIG mystery even for me, it just instantly makes me feel better!
7. Looking at my phone charms because they are all reminders of nice things.
8. Jokwon being the lovely diva that he is.
9. GD smiling (never fails either)
10. 2PM-s Angel. I happened to listen to that song one morning when the sun was shining in my eyes and I was looking forward to the good things in life, and in the same time no one fits better than Jaebum to say lyrics like: you don-t know, fool, it fits him perfectly XD, so whenever I hear that song, I remember that good feeling and it makes me smile instantly.
B.
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